My 5 am driftMy 5 am drift

At times, like now, like tonight, or should I say this morning rather, I randomly wake up for no obvious reason. My mind is boggling me. Something is up. Something is cooking. Something is bothering me from inside. Some random thought is knocking inside out. I got used to recognizing this feeling not as a bad sleeping problem, but rather… but rather as a blessing — the time and need to talk to self. As if my mind would wait till I’m present, not disturbed by external factors of the busy day, or of that always pressing need to be awake and present during the day, the need to react to the very day’s existence. Isn’t the daylight bothering you, conditioning you to wake up, demanding you to act upon it. Oh, it’s distracting in so many ways. The darkness of the night is true. But where I am.. 

It’s 5 am and I wake up to the thought of importance. I’ve had a dream. I’ve had a dream of being “important”. As if in my “past” 1 year back life I was important and I wake up to the thought — am I now? I shiver. I feel terrified — am I really, no, really worried about it? Does the social status really, no really, matter to me? Or is this just, and just, a shadow of a “mighty” city shed upon? Am I now remembering the looks, you know, those looks, people give you during the day, trying to see the ‘title’ attached to your name, rather than who you really are. Oh darn, people have little time and patience or intention in recognizing that. The social stigma is ‘following you now’. And I wake up shivering — I shake off that shed. 

And I miss the trip. The trip is important. Because when you travel —  you are nobody. Because nobody cares about your title, all people care is how much of a human you are, or that’s what I care about most. 

The more you travel, both in a physical and metaphysical ways, the more you drop the need justifying the status quo of your existence.

The status quo is never. Because it is ever changing — just like the trip. The second I am taking writing this thought out the status quo of the previous moment has changed already. And how pathetic that would feel to try to maintain the status per se. Should I have tried describing it better, I would try to compare the status to the “simple present” while it’s never is, as it is a present continuous. Is that the reason people are wired to traveling? As if traveling in a physical way brings them more in tact with the nature of time which is traveling all along? As if you catch the wave and surf along. Is that also a reason we try to ‘catch’ the speed of light as our way of catching up with existence? 

For I am lonely. In my drifts. For I am overshadowed by the statuses which are so not true to me. For I am not since I am aware. For I can ‘trip’ inside my head but catch the plane and fly along, for that is easy.

  • Саша

    Your English is beautiful! Sounds like a poem.
    To me travelling is not the only way to shake status off. Although, I may underestimate the influence of the mighty city. 🙂 We are herd animals and society is formatting us to its rules. I can imagine how much status is important in Astana! Run, run, fly away! 🙂